As you may know, 2008 is going to be a g-rate year. I
am so excited! There is to be a presidential election this year! Hoo-ray!
Exciting times, exciting times. And whoa... so confusing! So much talking, so
much anal-yzing, so much research to do to be sure the person who wins your vote
truly reflects your values and goals for the executive of this g-rate
nation.
Man, it's going to be tough.
Well, this is for those of
you who say "To heck with that!" and are more interested in voting for a
candidate based on snap judgments and small pop culture sound bites. For those
of you who think it might be fun to vote somewhat randomly and therefore
completely obliterate the careful work of concerned and involved citizens... I
mean really, look how Bush turned out... can you really expect these people to
act predictably based on what they say in the election cycle? Heck no!
So
without further a-doo-doo, here is your
Mighty Rex Star Wars Guide to The Candidates
"My friends..."
"Luke...."
"JOIN ME!!"
Darth McCain
I had to get this one out of the way right from the top, because I know some
of you were thinking "Hey, Vader being a powerful black man..." but NO! You need
to drop those stereotypes, mister! Obama isn't remotely like Vader, and besides,
as we learned in Episode VI, Vader was a cracker! Heavily scarred by traumatic
experiences, torture, manipulation, the 2000 Republican primaries... he has the
reputation of a "maverick"... remember the arbitrary slaughter of Imperial
officers? the offer to Luke to join him?
...but Darth McCain
ultimately serves the Emperor, voting with him almost every time. McCain could
be redeemed someday, but only by succumbing to Force Lightning and tossing the
Emperor into a pit... something he has thus far refused to do. Let's stay in
Iraq... err... Tatooine... forever!
onward!
J'han Solo
Umm... Edwards... ahhh, health care, faster withdrawal from Iraq than
uhhh... didn't he play the president in Air Force One? ummm.... He'll
stand up to the Hutt business interests... uhhhh... Goddamn, he's pretty. Quick,
lock him in a sheet of Carbonite so I can hang him on my
wall.
Admiral Akbar
Richardsomething
Admiral Akbill
Man, I tell you what... you read Admiral Akbar's resume, take a look at his
long career, his credentials, and it's amazingly clear how qualified he is to
run a major government. What about his prescient snap evaluation... "It's a
trap!" We sure could have used that in Iraq. Well-suited to command, noble,
respected by his followers and his peers... but then, Akbar is from a place most
people don't care about (Mon Calamari? Are you serious?) and looks vaguely
ethnic... is he, I don't know... too fishy to be prez? Anyway, he deserves your
vote. Who this Richardson cat is, I have no
idea.
Limbba the Hutt
Oops, my bad, not a candidate.
Sorry!
Ur Question?
Shh! 9/11!
Grand Moff Giuliani
We need a president who has experience running a large, unwieldy government.
Like the Empire. "Hey, they said it was unmanageable, ungovernable... a large
majority wanted to leave and live somewhere else," his campaign ads say. Well,
Giuliani certainly turned things around... he built the Death Star! "By the time
I left office," he continues, "the Death Star was the best example of
conservative government in the galaxy!" Some folks might disagree with his
foreign policy, though, consisting as it does of pretty much blasting whole
planets into rubble.
Whobacca
Mrrrrrawwwwkkk!!!! Gronnnnkkkk!!! Mrran... wua ga ma uma ahuma ooma.
"Whobacca?!?!"... GRONK! "Gravelbacca!!!" Hnn-rowr yrroonn nng
rarrr!
Mitt Skywalker
Not quite as pretty as J'han Solo. But pretty. Kind of like how Aragorn was
never quite as pretty as Legolas, except different. Anyway, Mitt's biggest
appeal is that he's the likeable doofus scampering around the galaxy in search
of himself, always haunted by the spectre of his father. On the downside, he's
so conflicted it's hard to know where his true allegiances lie... he's
infatuated with his own twin sister, he listens to apparitions of old men, he
preaches religious tolerance... but only for those who believe in The Force.
Sort of gives the impression he's been knocked off his Tauntaun a few too many
times.
onward!
Princess Leia Orbama of Alderaan, IL
A young idealist constantly criticized for her "inexperience", Senator Leia
Orbama once faced down Lord Vader with "Darth Vader. Only you could be so
bold... and so stupid." Pwned! Ultimately might make a good team with J'han
Solo, if they can get past their differences of opinion. Orbama shows
pragmatism, thoughtfulness, and excellent presentation at official ceremonies,
and yet can be a ruthless tactician and even a commando when the sitch requires
it. A long experience in grassroots organization (on Endor), and also,
pretty.
I cn haz Bootz. O yes.
Wicket
Huckabee
Wicket Huckabee
Speaking of Endor, that sort of weird foresty place where the Ewoks frolic
and enjoy each other's company, right-to-work laws, and a ban on gay marriage,
who'd have ever thought Wicket, a Republican true believer in The Force, could
ever have risen to lead such a traditionally Democratic tribe? I mean, it's
inspirational that he lost 105 pounds (he only weighs about 45 now!) and plays
the bass, but can you really imagine introducing him to the UN General Assembly?
"Ladies and Gentlemen, President Wicket!" How ridiculous. I don't think
so.
Virtually
Unknown
Duncan Biggs Hunter Darklighter
Certainly the candidate with the most dramatic name, unfortunately this
veteran congressman and member of the Armed Services Committee hates women and
loves the unborn. Also known as "Red Three"; George Lucas doesn't really give us
much more to go on, except for a vague homoerotic testimonial offered by
Skywalker, who says (huskily) "We're a couple of shooting stars, Biggs, and
we'll never be stopped." O rly?
Seriously, look it up in
the book... it's near the end.
Nute Dodd-Gunray
Not to be confused with Newt Gunray, who isn't running, Nute Dodd-Gunray is
primarily backed by the financial services industry, which he also just happens
to regulate as chairman of the Trade Federation.
Hmmm.
Interesting.
Did you know he also
dated Carrie Fisher for a while? For realio. She dumped his
ass.
Obi-ron Paul-obi
Widely respected for his stubborn belief that the whole universe should be
run just like his neighborhood on the backwater planet Tatooine, Obi-ron spends
a lot of time wistfully remembering the Old Republic. He practices a peculiar
interpretation of The Force, in which reducing government to only local control
and returning to the gold standard is the answer. Obi-ron reluctantly returned
the contributions of the Tusken Raiders and Jawas, whose politics of ethnic
slaughter and droid slave trade he justifies as "states rights". While his
anti-Empire foreign policy excites the Rebel Alliance, it's pretty much a Jedi
mind trick. He's still a crazy old guy living in the
desert.
Le Fett
Le Fred
Boba Fredtt
A fearsome enforcer for sale to the highest bidder, there's a reason they
kept Boba Fredtt in the background and didn't let him talk for all that time. It
turns out that when you give him a microphone and encourage him to take a bigger
role, he's actually kind of dim and boring, even with a kick-ass spacesuit.
Remember, when he was on Jabba's sand yacht, a temporarily blinded Solo
whacked him with a stick, ignited his rocket pack, and sent him hurtling into
the mouth of the Sarlacc monster. Hey, if Solo can humiliate him while blinded,
do you really want him as your nominee? Embarrassing,
right?
Douche
Bag
Tom TanGreedo
Meh, TanGreedo was a xenophobic freak who got wiped out early. Don't need to
worry about him.
Jar Jar Kucinich
Nuff said.
Okay, really unfair. But remember how the Gungans were sort of these
peacenik bumbly guys who sent Jar Jar to represent them in the Republic
Government and then he sort of inadvertently started the Clone Wars or
something? Kucinich actually admitted to believing in UFOs, man. I mean,
everyone believes, but you don't go around admitting
it.
SeeJoe Threepio
See, the funny thing about Cjoe3PO is that he'd probably make a pretty good
leader. The Ewoks thought he was a god, remember? He's smart, informed, an
excellent protocol droid, but he annoys the crap out of everyone because you
can't shut him up. Still, he's been around since Episode I and looks pretty
impressive when he gets all shined up. We could do worse. And what would be more
kick-ass than Vice President Artoo? A mega-improvement, I'm just
sayin'.
Hillando Clintrissian
Here's the thing. The Millenium Falcon was hers to begin with. She only lost
it to Bill on a bet. Then she got caught up in that whole Cloud City thing in
the Bespin system, which proved she could govern, I guess, but she's kinda
hoping you won't remember that she totally sold out the Rebels to Darth Vader.
That's how J'han Solo wound up encased in Carbonite and Leia ended up in a
bikini on a chain. Hmmm. Actually, not so bad! And Hillando did do some
nifty piloting against the New and Improved Death Star. Didn't she also record
"Caribbean Queen (No More Love On The Run)"?
The
thing that scares me is when you talk to her staff, they're like totally
dedicated, but kinda scary. Everybody says how Hillando demands their loyalty
and efficiency. All we all going to end up being taken over by our Bluetooths?
Isn't this getting a little close to Borg territory, which would be a radically
different story? Hillando... I just don't know.
Well, that pretty much wraps it up from here. Unfortunately, my favorite
candidate isn't running.
"Do or do not... there is no try."
"Fear is the
path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to
suffering."
"Luminous beings are we, not this crude
matter."
"Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not
these things."
"Named must your fear be before banish it you
can."
Vote.
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